Well, knock me over with a feather—suddenly everyone’s a freetrader, and the progressive left is leading the charge like they’ve just discovered Adam Smith in a thrift store bin. It’s April 7, 2025, and Donald Trump’s tariff tsunami—10% across the board, 34% on China, 26% on India—has turned the political landscape into a circus where principles are as rare as a quiet day on X. The S&P’s down 14%, Apple’s scrambling to India, and the left, once tariff cheerleaders, are now clutching their pearls and preaching the gospel of open markets. What gives? Simple: their compass doesn’t point to principle—it spins wildly toward personalities, and Trump’s the north star they love to hate.

Cast your mind back, dear reader, to the halcyon days before Trump’s orange glow hijacked the zeitgeist. The progressive left adored tariffs like a hipster loves artisanal kale. Bernie Sanders railed against NAFTA in 2016, calling it a “disaster” that gutted American jobs—never mind the data showing it boosted GDP. Elizabeth Warren, that sanctimonious scold, slammed free trade deals as corporate handouts, pushing for duties to prop up rust-belt dreams. Even AOC, the darling of the DSA crowd, tweeted in 2020 that tariffs were a “tool for justice” against global exploiters. The vibe was clear: trade barriers were the righteous shield of the working class, a bulwark against the evils of unchecked capitalism. Principles, they said—until Trump said it too.

Fast forward to now, and Trump’s tariff tantrum has flipped the script. His “Liberation Day” edict—smacking imports with levies that make Smoot-Hawley look tame—has sent markets into a tailspin and X into a frenzy. And the left? They’ve pirouetted faster than a ballerina on Red Bull. Sanders is mum, Warren’s muttering about “reckless escalation,” and AOC’s suddenly tweeting about the “beauty of global exchange.” The Guardian’s op-eds now drip with free-market bromides, warning of inflationary doom—$1,400 iPhones, anyone?—while conveniently forgetting their decade-long tariff love affair. It’s not a policy shift; it’s a personality play. Trump’s for it, so they’re against it, principles be damned.

This isn’t about economics—it’s about tribal vibes. The progressive left’s ideology has always been a chameleon, shifting hues to suit the enemy of the hour. When Obama was in, trade deals like TPP were “progressive”; when Trump torched them, they were sacred cows again. Now, with Trump waving the tariff flag, the left’s gone full Milton Friedman, clutching free trade like a lifeline. X posts from the blue-check brigade scream hypocrisy—@ProgWarrior2020’s “tariffs are chaos” sits awkwardly next to their 2022 ode to “strategic protectionism.” The only constant? Trump’s the boogeyman, and they’ll contort into any shape to oppose him.

Meanwhile, the right’s no better—half of them are still cheering Trump’s trade war like it’s 1812. But the left’s flip-flop stinks worse because they’ve built their brand on moral purity. They’re not driven by data (tariffs tanked trade in the ‘30s) or logic (open markets lift all boats); they’re driven by who’s in the White House. Trump’s turned them into freetraders overnight, proving their spine’s as firm as a wet noodle. It’s politics as performance art, and we’re all stuck watching the show.